Comfort for Grieving Hearts

[Wolfstarr]

Poems, letters, lyrics, thoughts, ponderings....a collection to help a grieving heart....

Grief is neither an illness nor a pathological condition,
but rather a highly personal
and normal response
to life-changing events,
a natural process
that can lead to healing
and personal growth.
The transition through this difficult time
is the courageous journey.

-- Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang, in
Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook

[Wolfstarr]

I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches.
If suffering alone taught,
all the world would be wise,
since everyone suffers.
To suffering must be added
mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness
and the willingness to remain vulnerable.

~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

[Done-With-It!]

Thank You for posting these Wolfie!

[Wolfstarr]

You are so welcome, Miss Done!



Grief still has to be worked through.
It is like walking through water.
Sometimes there are little waves lapping about my feet.
Sometimes there is an enormous breaker that knocks me down.
Sometimes there is a sudden and fierce squall.
But I know that many waters cannot quench love,
neither can the floods drown it.
We are not good about admitting grief, we Americans.
It is embarrassing.
We turn away, afraid that it might happen to us.
But it is part of life, and it has to be gone through.

– Madeleine L’Engle

[Wolfstarr]

Understand that your family, friends and support group
may help get you on the right path,
but very early in the process
you have to get behind the wheel.
Only you can complete the road to recovery.

-- From a Friend at Grief Help.org, in
The Road to Recovery

[Wolfstarr]

When a loss hits us,
we have not only the particular loss to mourn
but also the shattered beliefs and assumptions
of what life should be.
These life beliefs must be mourned separately.
Sometimes we must grieve for them first.
We can't grieve the loss if we are in the midst of
"It's not supposed to happen this way" . . .
We intellectually know that bad things happen ~
but to other people, not us,
and certainly not in the world we assumed we were living in . . .
Your belief system needs to heal and regroup as much as your soul does.
You must start to rebuild a new belief system from the foundation up,
one that has room for the realities of life
and still offers safety and hope for a different life:
a belief system that will ultimately have a beauty of its own
to be discovered with life and loss.
Think of a lifeless forest in which a small plant
pushes its head upward, out of the ruin.
In our grief process, we are moving into life from death,
without denying the devastation that came before.

-- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler

[Chy]

OMG Wolfie I'm so sorry I missed welcoming you to RW. Thanks so much!
I appreciate you taking the time to post these for us! Hope you are well!

[Wolfstarr]

Hi Chy! I am more than happy to be here and to post and share these quotes, poems, etc. Hopefully someone may find some comfort in the words posted here from some very compassionate writers...


Man cannot remake himself without suffering,
for he is both the marble and the sculptor.

-- Alexis Carre

[indigo]

As always your posts inspire me dearheart.

[Wolfstarr]

((((Indie)))) Love you all so much!!


I Believe

Every now and then, soft as breath upon my skin,
I feel you come back again,
And it’s like you haven’t been gone a moment from my side ~
Like the tears were never cried,
Like the hands of time are holding you and me,
And with all my heart I’m sure we’re closer than we ever were
I don’t have to hear or see you ~ I’ve got all the proof I need ~
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, oh I believe

Now when you die your life goes on ~
It doesn’t end here when you’re gone
It never ends, and if I’m right
Our love can even reach across eternity
I believe, oh I believe
Forever you’re a part of me
Forever in the heart of me
I would hold you even longer if I can
Oh the people who don’t see the most
Say that I believe in ghosts
If that makes me crazy, then I am
‘Cause I believe
Oh yes, I believe

There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, oh I believe
Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again ~
And I believe.

– Performed by Diamond Rio

[Wolfstarr]

Grieving allows us to heal,
to remember with love rather than pain.
It is a sorting process.
One by one you let go
of the things that are gone
and you mourn for them.
One by one you take hold
of the things that have become a part of who you are
and build again.

-- Rachel Naomi Remen

[Wolfstarr]

Grief never ends, but it changes.
It is a passage, not a place to stay.
The sense of loss must give way
if we are to value the life that was lived.

– Author unknown

[Wolfstarr]

Lyrics by Billy Joel....



Goodnight, my angel, time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day.
I think I know what you’ve been asking me;
I think you know what I’ve been trying to say.
I promised I would never leave you,
And you should always know, wherever you may go,
No matter where you are, I will never be far away.
Goodnight, my angel, now it’s time to sleep,
And still so many things I want to say.
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay?
And like a boat out on the ocean, I’m rocking you to sleep.
The water’s dark, and deep inside this ancient heart,
You’ll always be a part of me.
Goodnight, my angel, now it’s time to dream,
And dream how wonderful your life will be.
Someday your child may cry, and if you sing this lullaby,
Then in your heart there will always be a part of me.
Someday we’ll all be gone, but lullabies go on and on . . .
They never die.
That’s how you and I will be.

— Billy Joel

[indigo]

Thanks for this (((Starr))) my dear

[Wolfstarr]

You're welcome (((Indie))))


"I am a parent twice bereaved.
In one thirteen-month period
I lost my oldest son to suicide and my youngest son to leukemia.
Grief has taught me many things about the fragility of life
and the finality of death.
To lose that which means the most to us
is a lesson in helplessness and humility and survival.
After being stripped of any illusions of control I might have harbored,
I had to decide what questions were still worth asking.
I quickly realized that the most obvious ones --
Why my sons? Why me? --
were as pointless as they were inevitable.
Any appeal to fairness was absurd.
I was led by my fellow sufferers,
those I loved and those who had also endured irredeemable losses,
to find reasons to go on.
Like all who mourn
I learned an abiding hatred for the word "closure,"
with its comforting implications
that grief is a time-limited process
from which we will all recover.
The idea that I could reach a point when I would no longer miss my children
was obscene to me and I dismissed it.
I had to accept the reality that I would never be the same person,
that some part of my heart, perhaps the best part,
had been cut out and buried with my sons.
What was left?
Now there was a question worth contemplating."

-- Gordon Livingston, MD, in
Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now

Post Script: The above book can be found at Amazon or any other bookstore of your choice. It is 5 star rated.

[Wolfstarr]

The span between life and death
can be as quick and sudden
as a puff of wind
that blows out a candle.
But the candle does not suffer
after darkness comes.
It is the person
left in the dark room
who gropes and stumbles.

-- Helen Duke Fike, Interregnum

[Wolfstarr]

When I let go of what I am,
I become what I might be.

-- Lao Tzu

[indigo]

Amen to that.

[Wolfstarr]

The Pearl Principle

We must learn the hard lesson
that without the pain of inner irritation,
the pearls of wisdom will not be produced in us.
I lovingly call this The Pearl Principle:
no pain, no transformative gain.
Inside an oyster,
it takes an irritant –
like a grain of sand or a bit of shell –
to produce the mucous juices
that engulf and surround the irritant,
eventually hardening
into a precious pearl.
It is the same for us,
regardless of how much
we wish it to be otherwise.
Difficulties and suffering
produce the aspiration
for spiritual enlightenment,
and it is this aspiration
which is needed to motivate us
along the path of awakening and liberation.
There is no growth
without growing pains–
and the labor pains of giving birth
to a new world and a new way of being
can be the most painful
yet rewarding of all.

– Lama Surya Das, in
Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be:
Lessons on Change, Loss, and Spiritual Transformation

[Wolfstarr]

If you truly want to grow as a person and learn,
you should realize that the universe has enrolled you
in the graduate program of life, called loss.

-- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

[Wolfstarr]

Hi, I made it back from vacation...all inspired by the mountains, the kindness of the local people, and the beauty of them both....To Where You Are



To Where You Are
Who can say for certain, maybe you're still here ~
I feel you all around me, your memory so clear.
Deep within the stillness I can hear you speak.
You're still an inspiration ~
Can it be that you are mine forever, love
and you are watching over me from up above?
Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star ~
I wish upon tonight to see you smile,
if only for awhile to know you're there ~
A breath away's not far to where you are.
Are you gently sleeping here inside my dream ~
And isn't faith believing all power can't be seen?
As my heart holds you just one beat away,
I cherish all you gave me everyday ~
'Cause you are mine forever, love
watching me from up above.
And I believe that angels breathe
and that love will live on and never leave.
Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star ~
I wish upon tonight to see you smile,
if only for awhile to know you're there ~
A breath away's not far to where you are.
I know you're there ~
A breath away's not far to where you are

– Performed byJosh Groban, Composed by Richard Marx


My deepest love and sympathy to a dear friend who just lost his Dad...
I love you...and I am here.

[Wolfstarr]

I have been driven many times upon my knees
by the overwhelming conviction
that I had nowhere else to go.

-- Abraham Lincoln

[Wolfstarr]

Grief comes in one size, Extra Large.
If we tuck it away in the bottom drawer
where it never sees the light of day,
it remains exactly the same.
On the other hand,
if we wear it, feel it, talk about it,
and share it with others,
it is likely that it will become faded, shrunk and worn,
or will simply no longer fit.
When grief has served its purpose,
we are able to recognize the many gifts we have gained.

-- Dianne Arcangel,

[Wolfstarr]

His father had been dead for fifty-three years.
Since then, Marshall had lost his wife,
two siblings, and son-in-law,
as well as many friends and colleagues.
Even at his advanced age
walking with two canes and battling cancer,
he was sought after in his community
for his wisdom and good humor.
He was glad to give advice to others.
Yet, he told me, when he faced tough decisions himself,
he’d often sit quietly in his easy chair, close his eyes,
and conjure up an image of his own father.
Then he’d ask the dead man for advice.

He heard no actual voices from beyond,
but when he emerged from his meditation,
he’d usually have something of an answer.
Marshall explained:
"The loss of cherished persons
is never completely overcome.
The relationships continue.
They are always with us. . . .
I have my father’s value system,
his frame of reference.
I have preserved the father-space inside me."

-- Neil Chethik

[Chy]

Thanks Wolfie!

[Wolfstarr]

You're welcome, Chy **hugs**

When we walk to the edge of all the light we have
and take a step into the darkness of the unknown,
we must believe one of two things will happen ~
there will be something solid for us to stand upon,
or we will be taught to fly.

--Anonymous

[Wolfstarr]

Perhaps, for some people,
the reason prayer works
is because God is mute
and doesn't give advice
or try to fix things.
He just listens
and lets you work it out for yourself.

-- Author unknown

[indigo]

Dearheart, how come you always find these pearls of wisdom? than you.

[Wolfstarr]

Just like you do my indie (((hugs)))) my dearheart :)

Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds
than happiness ever can;
and common sufferings are far stronger links
than common joys.

-- Alphonse de Lamartine

[Wolfstarr]

What does "letting go" mean?
This phrase is often misunderstood.
Does it mean forgetting,
letting go of our memories?
Not at all.
Does it mean letting go of a relationship
with our deceased loved ones?
No!
Our relationship is changed, not ended.
"Letting go" refers to the time in our healing journey
when we are ready to gently open our tightly closed fists.
In doing so we let go of our pain.
We do not need it anymore.

-- Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang,

[Wolfstarr]

It is wise for me to think about the past
and to learn from my past.
But it is not wise for me to be in the past.
For that is how I lose my self.
It is also wise to think about the future
and to prepare for my future.
But it is not wise for me to be in the future.
For that, too, is how I lose my self.
And when I lose my self,
I lose what is most precious to me.

— Spencer Johnson

[Wolfstarr]

I’ll be Seeing You
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through:
In the small cafe,
The park across the way,
The children’s carousel,
The chestnut tree
The wishing well.
I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day,
In everything that’s light and gay.
I’ll always think of you that way.
I’ll find you in the morning sun,
And when the night is new,
I’ll be looking at the moon --

but I’ll be seeing you.

— Irving Kahal and Sammy Fain

[Wolfstarr]

I walked a mile with Pleasure.
She chattered all the way,
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne’er a word said she;
But oh, the things
I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!

—Robert Browning

[Wolfstarr]

The truest words of all: I will not forget you.
You are in my waking thoughts,
my sweetest memories, my dearest dreams.
I will not forget you.
You have touched my soul, opened my eyes,
changed my very experience of the universe.
I will not forget you.
I see you in the flowers, the sunset,
the sweep of the horizon
and all things that stretch to infinity.
I will not forget you.
I have carved you on the palm of my hand.
I carry you with me forever.

— Ellen Sue Stern,

[indigo]

Thanks sweetie

[CDawg]

wonderful words.....

[Wolfstarr]

(((Indie))) (((Dawg)))


If I should die and leave you here awhile,
Be not like others, sore undone, who keep
Long vigils by the silent dust, and weep.
For my sake turn again to life and smile,
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete those dear unfinished tasks of mine
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.

— A. Price Hughes

[Wolfstarr]

When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night,
And pay no worship to the garish sun.

— William Shakespeare, from Romeo and Juliet, Act 3, Scene 2

[Wolfstarr]

They that love beyond the world
cannot be separated by it.
Death cannot kill
what never dies.

— William Penn

[Wolfstarr]

If the future seems overwhelming,
remember that it comes one moment at a time.

— Beth Mende Conny

[Wolfstarr]

The only courage that matters
is the kind that gets you
from one moment to the next.

— Mignon McLaughlin

[Wolfstarr]

Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break,
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.

— Kahlil Gibran

[Wolfstarr]

You can clutch the past
so tightly to your chest
that it leaves your arms too full
to embrace the present.

~Anonymous

[Wolfstarr]

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms —
to choose one’s attitude
in any given set of circumstances,
to choose one’s own way.

— Viktor Frankl

[Wolfstarr]

In order to get from what was to what will be,
you have to go through what is.

~Anonymous

[Wolfstarr]

Life is not the way it’s supposed to be.
It’s the way it is.
The way you cope with it
is what makes the difference.

— Virginia Satir

[Wolfstarr]

Noted author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia
tells of a four-year-old boy who lived next door
to an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
One day the child saw the man sitting on his porch in a rocking chair,
and noticed that he was crying.
The little boy walked over to the man’s porch, made his way up the steps
and climbed onto the old gentleman’s lap.
Without saying a word, he just sat there.
Later, when his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor,
the little boy answered, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

[Wolfstarr]

Normal day,
let me be aware of the treasure that you are.
Let me learn from you,
love you, savor you,
bless you, before you depart.
Let me not pass you by
in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may,
for it will not always be so.
One day, I shall dig my fingers into the earth,
or bury my face in the pillow,
or stretch myself taut,
or raise my head to the sky,
and want more than all the world
your return.

-- Mary Jean Irion

[Wolfstarr]

Use the uncertainty of life
as a constant reminder to be grateful.

[Wolfstarr]

Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
Thank you.
I love you.

These four simple statements are powerful tools
for improving your relationships and your life.
As a doctor caring for seriously ill patients
for nearly 15 years of emergency medicine practice
and more than 25 years in hospice and palliative care,
I have taught hundreds of patients who were facing life's end,
when suffering can be profound,
to say The Four Things.
But the Four Things apply at any time.
Comprising just eleven words,
these four short sentences carry the core wisdom
of what people who are dying have taught me
about what matters most in life . . .
We are all sons and daughters,
whether we are six years of age or ninety-six.
Even the most loving parent-child relationship
can feel forever incomplete
if your mother or father dies
without having explicitly expressed affection for you
or without having acknowledged past tensions.
I've learned from my patients and their families
about the painful regret that comes
from not speaking these most basic feelings.
Again and again, I've witnessed the value
of stating the obvious.
When you love someone,
it is never too soon to say, "I love you,"
or premature to say, "Thank you,"
"I forgive you," or "Will you please forgive me?"
When there is nothing of profound importance left unsaid,
relationships tend to take on an aspect of celebration, as they should . . .
Because accidents and sudden illness do happen,
it is never too soon to express forgiveness,
to say thank you and I love you
to the people who have been an integral or intimate part of our lives,
and to say good-bye is a blessing.
These simple words hold essential wisdom
for transforming that which matters most in our lives --
our relationships with the people we love.

-- from The Four Things That Matter Most : A Book About Living
© 2004 by Ira Byock, M.D.

[Wolfstarr]

This Quiet Dust

~Emily Dickinson

This quiet dust was gentlemen and ladies
And lads and girls;
Was laughter and ability and sighing,
And frocks and curls;

This passive place a summer's nimble mansion,
Where bloom and bees
Fulfilled their oriental circuit,
Then ceased like these.

[Wolfstarr]

“Whoever brought me here
will have to take me home.”

Rumi

[Wolfstarr]

Transformation of Character and consciousness


Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith:
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light:
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying (to self) that we are born to eternal life.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

[Wolfstarr]

If only I knew...
If only I knew... I would never hear your voice again,
I would cherish every word... every inflection of your voice..with all my heart.

If only I knew... This was our last hug,
I would hold you tight and hope to never let go.

If only I knew this was the last time... the very last time...
I would see you, I would take the time to treasure everything about you.

If only I knew I had the chance to pray with you one more time,
I would take your hands and welcome God's presence to surround us.

If only I knew that disagreements do not mean a lack of love,
I would have been hurt less often.

If only I knew...that even when everything in my life seems to go wrong and comes crumbling down around me,
even when my heart is broken, God has promised to be with me.

If only I knew...tomorrow was not coming,
I would ask you to please forgive me for any wrong I may have done to you.

If only I knew...that this was our final kiss,
I would use it to tell you that you are my best friend and the love of my life.

If only I knew I could never share another day with you,
I would make the most of every second.

If only I knew...this was the last gift I could give you,
I would surprise you with something that says nothing compares with you.

If only I knew...your hand would never hold mine again,
I would wish this moment would never end.

If only I knew...that a break in our relationship might go unresolved,
I would do everything in my power to mend it.

If only I knew that no word of love is ever lost,
I would have allowed my tongue more freedom to truly speak from my heart.

If only I knew...that sometimes it's better not to know,
I would have spared myself heartaches and cares I was never meant to carry.

If only I knew...that grief and heartache could be so deep and devastating,
I would have been there more often for others.

If only I knew...how little I actually understood about you,
I would listen closer to your words, search out your thoughts, and seek to know the deepest desires of your heart.

If only I knew that my memories of you would be so precious,
I would take the time to carefully gather your life story.

If only I knew...that friendships are so precious,
I would have never taken anyone for granted...especially you.

If only I knew...that phone call was the last we'd ever have,
I would speak only loving words.

If only I knew...I was about to lose your loving smile,
I would thank you for all the joy you've brought to my life.

If only I knew...the love and strength and support you've always given to me were about to end,
I would run to your side and thank you for the million times you've made a difference...the difference...in my life.

If only I knew...that something so stupid and wrong would hurt you so badly,
I would take a stand and never let it happen.

If only I knew that everything depends upon what you believe, and that ignorance is no excuse,
i would have been more vigilant to put truth into my heart.

If only I knew that real happiness is a state of mind, and that there's no substitute for a good attitude,
I would have been more thankful for what I had, and the chance to live and to work and to love.

If only I knew this was our last walk ,
I would try to express my feelings for you, even though my words have always been inadequate.

If only I knew...I could never lay with you again,
I would cuddle you tight, refuse to ruse, and enjoy just having you there.

Lance Wubbels

[Wolfstarr]

What Will Matter
Michael Josephson




Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear. So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to do lists will expire.

The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.

It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought but what you built, not what you got but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

[Wolfstarr]

“God has been so good to me;
He has given me two hands
To pick His roses with -
And two eyes - to see his rainbow -
Why should I complain
When they are aged and wrinkled
And He asks me to return them,
For new ones perhaps?”

John Sims

[Wolfstarr]

10 Practical Tips
to Help a Friend Through Grief

(from the Center For Hospice and Palliative Care, Cheektowaga

1. Respond to the death as soon as possible.
Don't assume the person is fine or that closer friends or relatives are enough to fill the void.

2. Notice things.
What do they need and what can you do? Don't expect to be asked... it's a confusing and unpredictable time for everyone. Think about providing some of the essentials... tissues, extra coffee, disposable glasses, cups, plates, napkins, paper towels, toilet paper, baggies and containers for leftovers. None of these are perishable and can be returned or used later.

3. Remember that shock may carry the bereaved through those first few days.
A certain amount of shock is common even when the death is expected. Shock just softens the impact of reality and allows the grief-stricken some time to absorb the facts. Respond to their immediate needs; most often the tough stuff comes later.

4. Avoid clichés and references to God unless otherwise indicated.
You might consider a heartfelt, "I'm sorry," "I don't know what to say," or a warm hug.

5. Don't relate this death to ones that you have experienced.
It's not your grief, and your feelings and coping style are not exactly like anyone else's.

6. Encourage and/or allow tears.
Crying is a normal and healthy reaction to grief. Provide a shoulder and a tissue.

7. Avoid judgment of the grief-stricken.
Most often, they can't even think straight. Almost anything is acceptable at first, as long as it isn't physically harmful to the bereaved or those around them.

8. Encourage talking and reminiscing.
Bring up your good memories. Say their name! Remember, the important thing is that our deceased loved ones lived, not that they died.

9. Listen... and listen... and listen.
"Just be there" when you can, and when you have the courage and the energy. Being with the bereaved is hard and exhausting work.

10. Hang in there if you can.
Be careful about offering advice or suggestions, as your friend's feelings will be changing for quite awhile. If the death was particularly traumatic or complicated, a few counseling sessions could be a consideration later on.