How we cope with an addict alcoholic in our lives

[indigo]

I thought I'd start this thread for everyone who are experiencing the effects of having an alcoholic/addict relation/ship in our lives. It will hopefully include people who have been through the struggle themselves, so we can exchange views coping mechanisms and support each other.

indigo

[Velvet]

Great idea Indie. I'll come back and post on this. Gotta get to the days business.

[indigo]

Great Velvet we'll son get this up and running, common posters don't be shy, we're here to share and help support each other when times are tough and to laugh and have fun when times are good.

[Wolfstarr]

Hi everyone! come post and let it out. You are among thee very best and most compassionate people you could find online...no judging here, and listening with an open heart.

I'll start briefly...I am a mother of an addict. She is 33 years old and has been confronting the addiction demon for several years. It has been an up and down ride, many tragedies and heartbreaks. At present time, she is doing well. Clean for 1 year, working and she has just bought a car...a "Mercedes Benz" LOL she laughs about that because it's a 1991 but...it's a ride :)
As a side effect of what addiction has done to the family...my husband and I of 33 years divorced two and a half years ago. I had a crazy time myself and although not an addict or alcoholic, I do have to deal with depression and anxiety.
My husband and I are back together and have been for a little over a year. We haven't married again yet, but that is in the cards...another major life event occurred about 8 years ago when my daughter had a child. A sweet little girl. My husband and I have custody of her...
So you see, life changes and adaptations are abound. No one is immune from this disease, it covers all continents, all people of all ages, races, colors, status and prestige. But the good news is we all have support, love and comfort form those who have gone before us with their stories of experience, strength and hope. Hope and knowledge to know that we did not CAUSE this disease, we cannot CURE this disease and we cannot CONTROL this disease.
Welcome. Come often. Talk. Ask questions. Reach out. We are here.
Peace and blessings,
Wolfstarr

[CDawg]

Cuz,

What an awesome post. I think that one of the hardest things to do is to love people in the space that they currently reside in. I'm not the family member - I WAS the addict. And I put my family thru emotional hell. It took a long time to repair those relationships. So come and share your fears, and hopes. We're here for you.

Peace,

C

[indigo]

I have 2 alcoholic/bipolar adult kids (grown up) they are both addicts although my son is off the white at the moment, my daughter I haven't seen in many years, I pray she is alive and happy. I am a happily clean alcoholic/addict and by the grace of my own willpower and the universe I will continue the sober life because it really is life and not just an existence. We can discuss anything we want and will recieve love and support, and that is the best.
indigo

[2jules7]

My father and step father are close alcoholics, if not are. My grandma use to be, and rarely ever drinks anymore. I've heard one or two of my uncles are, but I cant be sure. My sister almost died from alcohol poisening at 19, something we just dont talk about anymore. Im here to make sure this doesnt happen to me. Great post by the way :]

[Wolfstarr]

Hi 2jules7...good to meet you...

[2jules7]

Hi Wolfstarr, thanks you too :]

[Wolfstarr]

SO how is everyone? Everything all peachy keen and shiny?
Things are going ok at this moment...no issues, no drama. My daughter called, she has been working a lot of hours...this concerns me...when she spends too much time at work, she experiences stress which leads to looking for an outlet which leads to......well, it may not lead to anything. Here I go awfulizing again....

[indigo]

Hey welcome Jules good to have you here. Starr as much as I love you (and I do) if you start awfulizing again, I'll have to get the frying pan out lol. I'm still not smoking YAY.
Terrible news about Rocketman, I've lit a candle for him and Dora and the family.

[indigo]

Common in the waters good, let us help you, most of us have been where you are right now.

[Velvet]

Hi Miss BusyBee! I'm here to help too! Can I BEE a Bee, Indie?

[Velvet]

My oldest daughter is the addict in my life. Went through hell with her and her meth addiction which led to heroin addiction. I was enabling her through it all. I had to get myself together, before I could help her. Thanks to the great people at Sober Village, and most of those people are here also, I was able to learn and then help her.
My daughter has been clean for 2 years! I can't believe it.
I stuck with her through it all. Loved her through it all. No matter how hard it got, I was there, for her. What I didn't know then, was that most of the stuff that I enabled her with, was further killing her, slowly, along with the drugs.
I finally got smart, set boundries....that I stuck with and that pretty much saved her life.

We're here for ya, even though we don't know it all.....we most definately know more than we did and we're willing to share with you.

[Chy]

Yes indeed! We'll support you in any way we can! *hugs*

[indigo]

Well you can certainly BEE a BEE too. My son is drinking again and so I'm having a problem getting my head round it.

[indigo]

Velvet your girl has come a long way, I hope she continues doing great, why do we mama's always worry? dumb question because I know the answer......we love them.

[indigo]

Well bipolar drunk/addict son is drinking again, not using to my knowledge but he has a druggie friend staying with him thursday next and I'm trying to keep positive.

[Wolfstarr]

Hi Indie ***Hugs abound**** for YOU! and everyone here!

Just saw my daughter, Tracey. She is doing well. Working hard, saving money, going to NA and AA meetings regularly.
The best thing I ever did for my own flesh and blood was leave her alone.
Detached
Loved her
Let her "be".

I let her exist. She has done it all on her own.
Enabling is a very dangerous and poisonous path. I have sooooooo learned that the hard way...believe me.

Anybody else? SO we are all ok? No issues or concerns?

My concern is to continue to keep my hands off my "addict" daughter. There is still that small gnawing inside that says something about "trust".... I guess that is my issue--Anyone?

[indigo]

Thanks Starr I have cut most ties with son, yet he is still ringing me several times a day. I have told him not to call all the time and that I won't answer his calls, it's my grandchild I worry most about, but can't seem to stop thinking "maybe one day".....
Ok one day at a time.

[Wolfstarr]

Yes, Indie...well...I think that too. Maybe one day...she is doing ok but right now crying poor mouth. I must say in her defense she is down low because she was just laid off of her job as an electrician this past Friday.
A little of her old behavior came back and I felt as though for a moment there we were right back where we were a year ago. I felt that old queasiness back in the tummy again...
She calmed after while and we parted amicably.

I need to pray on this for a while and see what answer I am given...

Please, come talk with us...we can share with you what we have been through and learn a lot from you!
Waiting to hear from YOU! :) Like Indigo said, come on, don't be shy! You are among friends here....

[indigo]

Well that's funny Starr cause son got a small ticking off at work and you'd think someone had cut his leg off so he's going really negative and I know where that leads. Also the police are getting ready to call him in over last years drugs offence, they have enough information his only chance (I think) is lock up rehab again....these things take so long, I have however managed to tell him not to call me 97 times a day and have persauded him to let me look after beloved grandchild next week. Hope your daughter doesn't go into a decline too, it's like treading on eggs all the time and I guess that's why we have to stay strong but it's so hard and heartbreaking.
love you sis.

[Wolfstarr]

Annie I know that calling 97 times a day thing. I have talked to her more this week that I have in a while. She wants to borrow money...I am having a hard time with it but I know it's for her car insurance and to get her driver license back.

Those old feelings resurfacing again...I just pray for you and Ben and me and Trace. We have to be strong and live our lives. We cant change theirs...we have our own to take care of and to nurture. It is hard, and heartbreaking, foshizzle....

[indigo]

My heart and prayers goout to you and Trace dearheart, we can be strong....it's so darned hard though.

[Wolfstarr]

Well, I did it. I went ahead and loaned her some money. Now she has her license back, has her own car (which she bought with her own money) and it is insured.

She called tonight and is ecstatic. I am pensive, cautious. I had to take out a loan from the bank to help her...and she knows she has to pay it back...it's not free money anymore.

Who knows if what I did was right or wrong. I guess there is no real answer. I just pray that she matures and keeps moving forward.

Lessons. We never stop receiving them, or learning from them.

[Wolfstarr]

Well...she is working, doing pretty good, and I still haven't received a payment yet.
She isn't ignoring it, but I have to point out that it is a loan and I am paying interest on it....Geez---ok so no more enabling--she has to be accountable and true to her word...

[Wolfstarr]

She made a payment! But, she's in the ER right now. Liver problems, maybe even the gall bladder. Her Liver is not so hot and she is just recovering from Hep C that was diagnosed over a year ago.
Hope she will be ok.

[CDawg]

Here,

Both of you take a hug from me....

(((((((Friends)))))))

C

[Wolfstarr]

She's ok. She's been diagnosed with, an ulcer...but she is doing ok...thank you for the hugs, Dawg.. :)

[Wolfstarr]

Ok, so she is clean and sober for over 14 months now. Working steadily and showing a good hard effort at moving forward and really trying.
The thing is, she is a fourth year electrical apprentice, doing well, but the physical strain of the job is getting to her. She is not a robust, healthy individual. She is still recovering from Hep C.
She has asked and we have agreed to a temporary arrangement of her coming home for a while.
I feel that since she had shown a great effort on her part and has remained clean, I will offer assistance.
Is this enabling? I feel that help is needed with these growing economic issues and I cannot be so hard hearted as not to help when she has asked and is doing well in her sobriety.
Any opinions? Thoughts? It would be greatly appreciated. You know, once bitten twice shy

[Wolfstarr]

Has anyone ever seen the episode of Boston Legal where Paul and his daughter were reunited after several years of being apart?

Talk about very hard to watch. It was a carbon copy of what we went through with our daughter. I think the storyline is about trust. Paul still cannot trust his daughter who is nearly 40. She had been clean and off of crystal meth for 5 years, but he still does not believe her. She has a daughter and he is concerned for the child's welfare...still thinking his daughter is using and not capable of taking care of the child.
It is JUST what we went through.

Child custody, child support, court so many times the bailiff came to know us on a first name basis. Chatting about the "Family Guy" series with the bail bondsman while awaiting bail.
Phone calls in the middle of the night from her or the police...friends bringing her home so incoherent that she didn't know where she was. Accidents, tickets, etc etc

It was so hard to watch....and we are waiting to see what happens next on the show. I am so hoping that she remains clean and the Dad is just overreacting and not trusting.

Oh well I guess I just had to get that out. It was very very tough on our whole family and things have never been the same since.