Done-With-It!
06-29-2008, 10:27 PM
Tactics used by abusive people
VERBAL ABUSE- A batterer may say things that are cruel, deameaning and hurtful. He may also curse or degrade the victim's accomplishments.
BREAK OR HIT OBJECTS- A batterer may break household items, punch holes in walls or break down doors to scare the victim.
FORCE - A batterer may use force during the argument. He may hold her down physcially to keep her from leaving, push or shove her, or threaten to hurt her is she tries to leave.
ROLES - A batterer expects his victim to be submissive. A batterer may see women as inferior to men, stupid and unable to achieve full personhood without a man. A batterer may expect his victim to do menial tasks (putting his socks on for him, getting him a beer before the one he has is empty, cleaning the toilet after he has fouled all over it.)
COMMITMENT- In some cases, a batterer may pressure his victim to commit to their relationship quickly, moving in together, getting engaged or getting married.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS- A batterer may expect his victim to meet all his needs, to take care of all his emotional and physical needs (male entitlement)
JEALOUSY- A batterer may question a victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting and/or having affairs, or become jealous of the time she spends with others including her children.
ISOLATION- A batterer may isolate the victim by severing her ties to any outside resource, support, friends and family. He may keep the victim from having access to a vehicle, to a job, or to a phone.
CONTROLLING-A batterer may assume all control of the finances, thereby preventing victim from coming and going as she wishes.
"DUAL" PERSONALITY- A batterer may appear to be Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, he may be abusive, violent and moody and then suddenly become congenial. A batterer may be a Mr. Hyde ("just the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet') to the outside world and a Dr. Jekyl to his victim and the children.
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS- A batterer may kick, throw, skin, burn or kill the family pet in front of the victim and her children.
BLAME OTHERS-A batterer may blame the victim for anything/everything that he perceives as "going wrong". A batterer may also blame the victim for his feelings: "You hurt me...you made me...you caused me...you never listen...you're stupid...you're crazy" etc
SEX- A batterer may restrain his victim against her will during sex. He may act our lurid fantasies when the victim is helpless. He may rape the victim by forcing sex while the victim is sleeping. He may demand sex when she is tired, ill or has just been battered.
HISTORY-A batterer has been abusive to other partners in the past.
CHILDREN-A batterer may expect children to perform beyond their capabilities and may punish them excessively. For example, a batterer may "whip" a 2-yr old for wetting his diaper.
Additional control tactics a batterer may use with children include:
TACTICS DURING THE RELATIONSHIP
1 Battering the victim in front of the children
2 Threatening to hurt or kill the victim in front of the children
3 Tell the children that the victim is responsible for her own abuse
4 "Justifying" his violence to the children
5 Telling the children that the victim is a horrid mother, stupid, trash, etc.
6 Employing other relatives (his) to speak badly of the victim to the children
7 Yelling at the victim when the children "misbehave" (bother him)
8 Coercing/manipulating the children into taking his side against the victim
9 Abusing or killing the children's pet(s) in front of them.
10 Using the children as his "confidants"
11 Threatening to commit suicide
12 Withholding money for the children's needs
13 Physically or sexually abusing the children
14 Threatening to take the children away from their mother.
15 Driving recklessly and/or when intoxicated with the children and/or the victim in the vechicle with him.
16 Abusing drugs and/or aclohol in front of the children; and
17 Coming home drunk, high, incapacitated
TACTICS AFTER SEPARATION
1 Asking the children intrusive questions about their mother
2 Asking the children whe the mother is "seeeing"
3 Blaming the victim for the breakup of the family
4 Telling the children that there cannot be a "family" because of the victim
5 Talking about all the horrible things the victim did to cause the breakup
6 Calling the victim's residence contstantly to " speak with his children
7 Showing up unexpectedly to see his children
8 Criticizing/demeaning/insulting victim's new partner
9 Intimidating and/or harassing the victim's new partner
10 Withholding child support and blaming the victim
11 Telling the children that he does pay their support, but the victim wastes it
12 Showering the children with gifts, allowing them to stay up all hours, and eat nothing but junk food while visiting him
13 Undermining the victim's rules for the children
14 Picking up the children at school without her knowledge
15 Keeping children longer than agreed upon
16 Abducting the children
17 Not showing up for agreed upon visitations and the blaming the victim for the "mix-up"
18 Blaming the victim for any emotional/health problems of the children
19 Telling the children that their mother, is a drunk, druggie, whore
20 Making frequent court dates to challenge the custody arrangements
21 Telling the children that their mother doesn't want them, she only wants them to make him suffer
22 Physically and/or sexually abusing the children while visiting him and then threatening them if the tell their mother
23 Abusing his new partner in front of the children; and
24 Changing visitation plans suddenly and/or frequently blaming the victim
I only pushed her, I didn't hit her.
She provoked me.
She has thin skin
She bruises easily
She was hysterical
I hardly touched her
She was high or drunk
I only slapped her, I didn't hit her
I had to restrain her
She was out of control
I was defending myself
It was an accident, her face hit my fist!
I was trying to keep her from leaving
She has mental problems/she is not taking her medication
VERBAL ABUSE- A batterer may say things that are cruel, deameaning and hurtful. He may also curse or degrade the victim's accomplishments.
BREAK OR HIT OBJECTS- A batterer may break household items, punch holes in walls or break down doors to scare the victim.
FORCE - A batterer may use force during the argument. He may hold her down physcially to keep her from leaving, push or shove her, or threaten to hurt her is she tries to leave.
ROLES - A batterer expects his victim to be submissive. A batterer may see women as inferior to men, stupid and unable to achieve full personhood without a man. A batterer may expect his victim to do menial tasks (putting his socks on for him, getting him a beer before the one he has is empty, cleaning the toilet after he has fouled all over it.)
COMMITMENT- In some cases, a batterer may pressure his victim to commit to their relationship quickly, moving in together, getting engaged or getting married.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS- A batterer may expect his victim to meet all his needs, to take care of all his emotional and physical needs (male entitlement)
JEALOUSY- A batterer may question a victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting and/or having affairs, or become jealous of the time she spends with others including her children.
ISOLATION- A batterer may isolate the victim by severing her ties to any outside resource, support, friends and family. He may keep the victim from having access to a vehicle, to a job, or to a phone.
CONTROLLING-A batterer may assume all control of the finances, thereby preventing victim from coming and going as she wishes.
"DUAL" PERSONALITY- A batterer may appear to be Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, he may be abusive, violent and moody and then suddenly become congenial. A batterer may be a Mr. Hyde ("just the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet') to the outside world and a Dr. Jekyl to his victim and the children.
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS- A batterer may kick, throw, skin, burn or kill the family pet in front of the victim and her children.
BLAME OTHERS-A batterer may blame the victim for anything/everything that he perceives as "going wrong". A batterer may also blame the victim for his feelings: "You hurt me...you made me...you caused me...you never listen...you're stupid...you're crazy" etc
SEX- A batterer may restrain his victim against her will during sex. He may act our lurid fantasies when the victim is helpless. He may rape the victim by forcing sex while the victim is sleeping. He may demand sex when she is tired, ill or has just been battered.
HISTORY-A batterer has been abusive to other partners in the past.
CHILDREN-A batterer may expect children to perform beyond their capabilities and may punish them excessively. For example, a batterer may "whip" a 2-yr old for wetting his diaper.
Additional control tactics a batterer may use with children include:
TACTICS DURING THE RELATIONSHIP
1 Battering the victim in front of the children
2 Threatening to hurt or kill the victim in front of the children
3 Tell the children that the victim is responsible for her own abuse
4 "Justifying" his violence to the children
5 Telling the children that the victim is a horrid mother, stupid, trash, etc.
6 Employing other relatives (his) to speak badly of the victim to the children
7 Yelling at the victim when the children "misbehave" (bother him)
8 Coercing/manipulating the children into taking his side against the victim
9 Abusing or killing the children's pet(s) in front of them.
10 Using the children as his "confidants"
11 Threatening to commit suicide
12 Withholding money for the children's needs
13 Physically or sexually abusing the children
14 Threatening to take the children away from their mother.
15 Driving recklessly and/or when intoxicated with the children and/or the victim in the vechicle with him.
16 Abusing drugs and/or aclohol in front of the children; and
17 Coming home drunk, high, incapacitated
TACTICS AFTER SEPARATION
1 Asking the children intrusive questions about their mother
2 Asking the children whe the mother is "seeeing"
3 Blaming the victim for the breakup of the family
4 Telling the children that there cannot be a "family" because of the victim
5 Talking about all the horrible things the victim did to cause the breakup
6 Calling the victim's residence contstantly to " speak with his children
7 Showing up unexpectedly to see his children
8 Criticizing/demeaning/insulting victim's new partner
9 Intimidating and/or harassing the victim's new partner
10 Withholding child support and blaming the victim
11 Telling the children that he does pay their support, but the victim wastes it
12 Showering the children with gifts, allowing them to stay up all hours, and eat nothing but junk food while visiting him
13 Undermining the victim's rules for the children
14 Picking up the children at school without her knowledge
15 Keeping children longer than agreed upon
16 Abducting the children
17 Not showing up for agreed upon visitations and the blaming the victim for the "mix-up"
18 Blaming the victim for any emotional/health problems of the children
19 Telling the children that their mother, is a drunk, druggie, whore
20 Making frequent court dates to challenge the custody arrangements
21 Telling the children that their mother doesn't want them, she only wants them to make him suffer
22 Physically and/or sexually abusing the children while visiting him and then threatening them if the tell their mother
23 Abusing his new partner in front of the children; and
24 Changing visitation plans suddenly and/or frequently blaming the victim
I only pushed her, I didn't hit her.
She provoked me.
She has thin skin
She bruises easily
She was hysterical
I hardly touched her
She was high or drunk
I only slapped her, I didn't hit her
I had to restrain her
She was out of control
I was defending myself
It was an accident, her face hit my fist!
I was trying to keep her from leaving
She has mental problems/she is not taking her medication