CDawg
04-26-2008, 11:00 PM
Hi Folks,
The ABC is truly the backbone of REBT. It's used to examine our thought processes, and challenge them for rationality, or healthiness if you will, and learn how to replace those unhealthy thoughts with healthier ones, thus denying ourselves of some of the excuses that we tell ourselves in order to give ourselves permission to use, or make other unhealthy choices.
The "ABC's" are an exercise from REBT, which is a form of cognitive therapy that is simple enough and effective enough to be used by anybody and -- it works.
The "ABC's" are an exercise that helps us to stop being victimized by our own thinking. A common example is the issue of someone else's behavior "making us angry."
Anger is a common emotion, but very damaging in how it makes you feel (and its impact on how others feel.)
This is a very common way of expressing something and we hear it often, but in fact it distorts the situation it attempts to describe. A more accurate description of "someone making me angry" is to say that I feel angry about their behavior.
They are not making me anything- they are simply behaving in a way that I am getting angry about. I notice their behavior and then I become angry. The responsibility for the anger is mine, not theirs.
This can sound strange at first, but dealing with problematic anger and frustration this way works. REBT theory says that it is generally irrational and self-defeating to get all worked up about someone else's behavior.
Anger is based on a faulty assumption, which is that the other person SHOULD behave in the way I want them to. If you think about it, what the other person SHOULD do is not necessarily what they DO do.
This is a very important element of the equation -- reality. They do what they do, and then I/you automatically get angry about it, and feel quite upset for a while- possibly very upset.
It's like walking around with a big pushbutton on your forehead that says "Push here to aggravate." Is this a useful response to others' behavior? Probably not. Since they are very likely going to do that (whatever "it" is) anyway, it seems, then it would make life a great deal easier if I/you didn't get angry about it and lose our peace of mind.
This is what REBT can accomplish, in many such situations. The missing part of the puzzle, and the part that is the really crucial part, is what WE THINK about what they do.
For example, if I really believe that they MUST NOT do whatever they are doing, and then they still continue to do it, then the DEMAND that I have inside my head that says; "they MUST NOT do that" will put considerable pressure on me from the inside to do something about it, which I am very often unable to do.
Often, it just isn't possible to control other peoples' behavior. So this will automatically make me feel bad; frustrated, ineffective, angry, desperate, hurt, enraged, and so on because I cannot translate the DEMAND "they MUST NOT do that" into reality. Most external phenomena I simply cannot control.
The problem is that I am DEMANDING something that I cannot get. It is better for my peace of mind if i simply PREFER to get what I want than DEMAND it. How much easier it is if I can become aware of this and make a choice to change the DEMAND "they MUST NOT do that" into a more rational alternative, which actually means something; "I PREFER that they don't do that".
Once I downgrade the DEMAND to a simple PREFERENCE, the heat is turned down and I can function again. After all, its now only a preference!
REBT has a simple exercise to help us make this adjustment, called "the ABCs". It is used to analyze the situation and change our thinking about it so that without trying to change external reality, we can feel better about it.
This doesn't mean that we should never try to change external reality- sometimes it is appropriate- it's when it isn't an appropriate or effective response that we can choose to have a different response instead in order to feel better.
While the ABCs are for use to help with any emotional upset, anger is the example we'll use here.
To use this ABC exercise for yourself, just pick any situation where someone's behavior is "making you angry" and take a look and see what it is you are thinking about it that is DEMAND-ing and irrational, and change it into something more rational- a PREFERENCE.
It is irrational to demand that people behave in the way we want them to! Here is an example using drunk people making a lot of noise late at night as they pass by outside where I live.
A. (Activating event) Drunk people outside, making some noise.
B. (irrational Belief I have about A) They MUSTN'T make any noise.
C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A) When noisy drunk people pass in the street outside late at night and wake me up. I Feel angry. It feels bad. I lie awake feeling angry and upset and don't get back to sleep for a long time.
D. (Dispute the irrational Beliefs in B by turning them into questions and answers) WHY shouldn't they make any noise- where is that commandment written in stone? Well, it isn't.
E. (Effective new thinking- substitute something rational instead of B) Drunk people often tend to be noisy, but it's no big deal. It is very common that they make some noise on their way home.
I will CHOOSE to not upset myself about this, and I will stop even noticing it because it is not a problem for me.
When this happens I will say "Ah, the drunk people who pass in the night" and go back to sleep.
You can make an ABC exercise really short;
A. (Activating situation) Drunks walking past outside, making some noise.
B. (irrational Belief I have about A) They SHOULDN'T make any noise
C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A) I Feel angry, etc.
D. (Dispute the irrational Belief/s in B) WHY shouldn't they make any noise?
E. (Effective new thinking) Drunk people do make noise, it's what they're good at- its like a natural talent for them. I will CHOOSE to not upset myself about this.
And you can do this on many situations that bother you and reclaim your peace of mind, just look for the DEMAND and turn it into a PREFERENCE.
Here's another one... A. (Activating situation) I tried to do something and failed B. (irrational Belief I have about A) I must always be successful C. (Consequences of believing B) I feel bad, depressed, etc. D. (Dispute the Irrational Belief in B) Where is it written in stone that I must I always be successful? E. (Effective new thinking to replace B) I would prefer always to be successful but let's be realistic- that isn't very likely, is it- so when I'm not successful I don't need to make myself feel bad.
That's it- that is how to do ABC's. Try this technique with something that is bothering you. Try to keep it as simple as you can while you get used to the ideas involved.
Go HERE to see (and print) an ABC Worksheet >>
Be aware of "should-ing" and "musturbation" (these simply mean the occurrence of problem-causing "should" and "must" DEMANDS in your thinking). Here are some things you might think or believe, in which case these could be your "iB"s;
I MUST NOT feel overwhelmed with responsibilities I CAN'T STAND IT when I feel (bored, sad, lonely,
People MUST not take me for granted
Other people SHOULD behave in the way I want
I SHOULD be able to have a drink I NEED a drink ("NEED" is often interpreted as MUST HAVE- be aware of such invisible MUSTS)
They MUST see it my way
I MUST NEVER display weakness
The sun MUST shine tomorrow
People who do bad things MUST ALWAYS be punished etc.
Try to find some Activating situations, iB's and Consequences of your own and do this exercise with them. Often is is easier to start with the C- the Consequences of the A and B and work back to see what they were.
Whenever you feel upset it can be a useful exercise to see if an ABC can be done on the situation and your thinking about it. You never know, you might just feel better. Get into the habit of doing this regularly and you might feel a lot better overall.
And do please note; this is a tool not just a theory. Success with this (and other) cognitive techniques is dependent on your writing out your own examples and making it part of the way you think.
By Disputing your Irrational Beliefs and replacing them with Rational Beliefs you can begin to ease your stress, release your anger, relieve anxiety, and much more. Learning this technique is a critical step in the path to enduring happiness!
Print out copies of this page to practice disputing various emotional upset situations in YOUR life.
(A) ACTIVATING EVENT (Common situation that results in my feeling frustrated and upset):
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________
(C) CONSEQUENCES (Frustrating reactions or self-defeating behaviors that I produced and would like to change):
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________
(B) IRRATIONAL BELIEFS (IB's) leading to my CONSEQUENCES (emotional disturbance or self-defeating behaviors)
(D) DISPUTES for each circled IRRATIONAL BELIEF
(E) EFFECTIVE RATIONAL BELIEFS (RB’s) to replace my IRRATIONAL BELIEFS (IB’s)
Circle all beliefs that apply to this ACTIVATING EVENT (A).
Examples: ‘Why MUST I do very well?” “Where is it written that I am a BAD PERSON?” “Where is the evidence that I MUST be approved or accepted?”
Examples: “I’d PREFER to do very well but I don’t HAVE TO.” “I am a PERSON WHO acted badly, not a BAD PERSON.” “There is no evidence that I HAVE to be approved of though I would LIKE to be.”
1. I MUST do well or very well!
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
2. I am a BAD OR WORTHLESS PERSON when I act weakly or stupidly.
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
3. I MUST be approved of or accepted by people I find important.
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
4. People MUST treat me fairly and give me what I NEED.
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
5. People MUST live up to my expectations or it is TERRIBLE!
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
Like replacing bad habits with good ones, your irrational thoughts must be replaced with more rational ones. For each of the 12 obvious irrational ideas listed here, what follows is a more reasonable way to look at the situation:
(Note: You may have to refer BACK to the 12 Irrational Beliefs in order for each of the below to make sense.)
It is not possible for everyone to love and approve of us; indeed, we can not be assured that any one particular person will continue to like us. What one person likes another hates. When we try too hard to please everyone, we lose our identity, we are not self-directed, secure or interesting. It is better to cultivate our own values, social skills, and compatible friendships, rather than worry about pleasing everyone.
No one can be perfect. We all have weaknesses and faults. Perfectionism creates anxiety and guarantees failure. Perfectionistic needs may motivate us but they may take away the joy of living and alienate people if we demand they be perfect too. We (and others) can only expect us to do what we can (as of this time) and learn in the process.
No matter how evil the act, there are reasons for it. If w
1. It is not possible for everyone to love and approve of us; indeed, we can not be assured that any one particular person will continue to like us. What one person likes another hates. When we try too hard to please everyone, we lose our identity, we are not self-directed, secure or interesting. It is better to cultivate our own values, social skills, and compatible friendships, rather than worry about pleasing everyone.
2. No one can be perfect. We all have weaknesses and faults. Perfectionism creates anxiety and guarantees failure. Perfectionistic needs may motivate us but they may take away the joy of living and alienate people if we demand they be perfect too. We (and others) can only expect us to do what we can (as of this time) and learn in the process.
3. No matter how evil the act, there are reasons for it. If we put ourselves in the other person's situation and mental condition, we would see it from his/her point of view and understand. Even if the person were emotionally disturbed, it would be "understandable" (i.e. "lawful" from a deterministic point of view). Being tolerant of past behavior does not mean we will refuse to help the person change who has done wrong. Likewise, our own mean behavior should be understood by ourselves and others. When people feel mistreated, they can discuss the wrong done to them and decide how to make it right. That would be better than blaming each other and becoming madder and madder so both become losers.
4. The universe was not created for our pleasure. Children are commonly told, "You can't have everything you want." Many adults continue to have that "I want it all my way" attitude. The idea is silly, no matter who has it. There is nothing wrong, however, with saying, "I don't like the way that situation worked out. I'm going to do something to change it." If changes aren't possible, accept it and forget it. An ancient idea is to accept whatever is.
5. As Epictetus said, it is not external events but our views, our self-talk, our beliefs about those events that upset us. So, challenge your irrational ideas. You may be able to change external events in the future and you certainly can change your thinking. Remember no one can make you feel anyway; you are responsible for your own feelings.
6. There is a great difference between dreadful ruminations about what awful things might happen and thinking how to prevent, minimize, or cope with real potential problems. The former is useless, depressing, exhausting, and may even be self-fulfilling. The latter is wise and reassuring. Keep in mind that many of our fears never come true. Desirable outcomes are due to the laws of behavior, not due to our useless "worry." Unwanted outcomes are also lawful, and not because we didn't "worry."
7. As with procrastination avoidance of unpleasant tasks and denial of problems or responsibilities frequently yields immediate relief but, later on, results in serious problems. The lifestyle that makes us most proud is not having an easy life but facing and solving tough problems.
8. People are dependent on others, e.g. for food, work, etc., but no one needs to be dependent on one specific person. In fact, it is foolish to become so dependent that the loss of one special person would leave you helpless and devastated.
9. You can't change the past but you can learn from it and change yourself (and maybe even the circumstances). You can teach an old dog new tricks. Self-help is for everyone every moment.
10. It is nice to be concerned, sympathetic, and helpful. It is not helpful and may be harmful to become overly distraught and highly worried about other people's problems. They are responsible, if they are able adults, for their feelings, for their wrong-doing, and for finding their own solutions. Often there is little you can do but be empathic. Avoid insisting on rescuing people who haven't asked you for help.
11. This helpless, hopeless "I-can't-change" attitude is cnot in keeping with modern-day self-help and therapeutic methods. There are many ways to change unwanted feelings. On the other hand, there is merit in "being able to flow with your feelings" in certain circumstances. Being unable to feel or express certain emotions is a serious handicap but correctable. Being dominated by one's emotions--a slave to your emotions--is also a serious but correctable problem. As long as our emotions are sometimes destructive and irrational, it is crazy to unthinkingly "follow our feelings."
12. Wrong! There is no one perfect solution but there may be several good alternatives. Try one, see what happens (observe the laws at work), and try again if your first idea doesn't work. Perfectionism causes problems, including taking too much time, becoming too complicated, causing undue anxiety, and lowering our self-esteem.
The source for this article can be found here:
http://www.stressgroup.com/abcscrashcourse.html
Peace,
C
__________________
The ABC is truly the backbone of REBT. It's used to examine our thought processes, and challenge them for rationality, or healthiness if you will, and learn how to replace those unhealthy thoughts with healthier ones, thus denying ourselves of some of the excuses that we tell ourselves in order to give ourselves permission to use, or make other unhealthy choices.
The "ABC's" are an exercise from REBT, which is a form of cognitive therapy that is simple enough and effective enough to be used by anybody and -- it works.
The "ABC's" are an exercise that helps us to stop being victimized by our own thinking. A common example is the issue of someone else's behavior "making us angry."
Anger is a common emotion, but very damaging in how it makes you feel (and its impact on how others feel.)
This is a very common way of expressing something and we hear it often, but in fact it distorts the situation it attempts to describe. A more accurate description of "someone making me angry" is to say that I feel angry about their behavior.
They are not making me anything- they are simply behaving in a way that I am getting angry about. I notice their behavior and then I become angry. The responsibility for the anger is mine, not theirs.
This can sound strange at first, but dealing with problematic anger and frustration this way works. REBT theory says that it is generally irrational and self-defeating to get all worked up about someone else's behavior.
Anger is based on a faulty assumption, which is that the other person SHOULD behave in the way I want them to. If you think about it, what the other person SHOULD do is not necessarily what they DO do.
This is a very important element of the equation -- reality. They do what they do, and then I/you automatically get angry about it, and feel quite upset for a while- possibly very upset.
It's like walking around with a big pushbutton on your forehead that says "Push here to aggravate." Is this a useful response to others' behavior? Probably not. Since they are very likely going to do that (whatever "it" is) anyway, it seems, then it would make life a great deal easier if I/you didn't get angry about it and lose our peace of mind.
This is what REBT can accomplish, in many such situations. The missing part of the puzzle, and the part that is the really crucial part, is what WE THINK about what they do.
For example, if I really believe that they MUST NOT do whatever they are doing, and then they still continue to do it, then the DEMAND that I have inside my head that says; "they MUST NOT do that" will put considerable pressure on me from the inside to do something about it, which I am very often unable to do.
Often, it just isn't possible to control other peoples' behavior. So this will automatically make me feel bad; frustrated, ineffective, angry, desperate, hurt, enraged, and so on because I cannot translate the DEMAND "they MUST NOT do that" into reality. Most external phenomena I simply cannot control.
The problem is that I am DEMANDING something that I cannot get. It is better for my peace of mind if i simply PREFER to get what I want than DEMAND it. How much easier it is if I can become aware of this and make a choice to change the DEMAND "they MUST NOT do that" into a more rational alternative, which actually means something; "I PREFER that they don't do that".
Once I downgrade the DEMAND to a simple PREFERENCE, the heat is turned down and I can function again. After all, its now only a preference!
REBT has a simple exercise to help us make this adjustment, called "the ABCs". It is used to analyze the situation and change our thinking about it so that without trying to change external reality, we can feel better about it.
This doesn't mean that we should never try to change external reality- sometimes it is appropriate- it's when it isn't an appropriate or effective response that we can choose to have a different response instead in order to feel better.
While the ABCs are for use to help with any emotional upset, anger is the example we'll use here.
To use this ABC exercise for yourself, just pick any situation where someone's behavior is "making you angry" and take a look and see what it is you are thinking about it that is DEMAND-ing and irrational, and change it into something more rational- a PREFERENCE.
It is irrational to demand that people behave in the way we want them to! Here is an example using drunk people making a lot of noise late at night as they pass by outside where I live.
A. (Activating event) Drunk people outside, making some noise.
B. (irrational Belief I have about A) They MUSTN'T make any noise.
C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A) When noisy drunk people pass in the street outside late at night and wake me up. I Feel angry. It feels bad. I lie awake feeling angry and upset and don't get back to sleep for a long time.
D. (Dispute the irrational Beliefs in B by turning them into questions and answers) WHY shouldn't they make any noise- where is that commandment written in stone? Well, it isn't.
E. (Effective new thinking- substitute something rational instead of B) Drunk people often tend to be noisy, but it's no big deal. It is very common that they make some noise on their way home.
I will CHOOSE to not upset myself about this, and I will stop even noticing it because it is not a problem for me.
When this happens I will say "Ah, the drunk people who pass in the night" and go back to sleep.
You can make an ABC exercise really short;
A. (Activating situation) Drunks walking past outside, making some noise.
B. (irrational Belief I have about A) They SHOULDN'T make any noise
C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A) I Feel angry, etc.
D. (Dispute the irrational Belief/s in B) WHY shouldn't they make any noise?
E. (Effective new thinking) Drunk people do make noise, it's what they're good at- its like a natural talent for them. I will CHOOSE to not upset myself about this.
And you can do this on many situations that bother you and reclaim your peace of mind, just look for the DEMAND and turn it into a PREFERENCE.
Here's another one... A. (Activating situation) I tried to do something and failed B. (irrational Belief I have about A) I must always be successful C. (Consequences of believing B) I feel bad, depressed, etc. D. (Dispute the Irrational Belief in B) Where is it written in stone that I must I always be successful? E. (Effective new thinking to replace B) I would prefer always to be successful but let's be realistic- that isn't very likely, is it- so when I'm not successful I don't need to make myself feel bad.
That's it- that is how to do ABC's. Try this technique with something that is bothering you. Try to keep it as simple as you can while you get used to the ideas involved.
Go HERE to see (and print) an ABC Worksheet >>
Be aware of "should-ing" and "musturbation" (these simply mean the occurrence of problem-causing "should" and "must" DEMANDS in your thinking). Here are some things you might think or believe, in which case these could be your "iB"s;
I MUST NOT feel overwhelmed with responsibilities I CAN'T STAND IT when I feel (bored, sad, lonely,
People MUST not take me for granted
Other people SHOULD behave in the way I want
I SHOULD be able to have a drink I NEED a drink ("NEED" is often interpreted as MUST HAVE- be aware of such invisible MUSTS)
They MUST see it my way
I MUST NEVER display weakness
The sun MUST shine tomorrow
People who do bad things MUST ALWAYS be punished etc.
Try to find some Activating situations, iB's and Consequences of your own and do this exercise with them. Often is is easier to start with the C- the Consequences of the A and B and work back to see what they were.
Whenever you feel upset it can be a useful exercise to see if an ABC can be done on the situation and your thinking about it. You never know, you might just feel better. Get into the habit of doing this regularly and you might feel a lot better overall.
And do please note; this is a tool not just a theory. Success with this (and other) cognitive techniques is dependent on your writing out your own examples and making it part of the way you think.
By Disputing your Irrational Beliefs and replacing them with Rational Beliefs you can begin to ease your stress, release your anger, relieve anxiety, and much more. Learning this technique is a critical step in the path to enduring happiness!
Print out copies of this page to practice disputing various emotional upset situations in YOUR life.
(A) ACTIVATING EVENT (Common situation that results in my feeling frustrated and upset):
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________
(C) CONSEQUENCES (Frustrating reactions or self-defeating behaviors that I produced and would like to change):
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________
(B) IRRATIONAL BELIEFS (IB's) leading to my CONSEQUENCES (emotional disturbance or self-defeating behaviors)
(D) DISPUTES for each circled IRRATIONAL BELIEF
(E) EFFECTIVE RATIONAL BELIEFS (RB’s) to replace my IRRATIONAL BELIEFS (IB’s)
Circle all beliefs that apply to this ACTIVATING EVENT (A).
Examples: ‘Why MUST I do very well?” “Where is it written that I am a BAD PERSON?” “Where is the evidence that I MUST be approved or accepted?”
Examples: “I’d PREFER to do very well but I don’t HAVE TO.” “I am a PERSON WHO acted badly, not a BAD PERSON.” “There is no evidence that I HAVE to be approved of though I would LIKE to be.”
1. I MUST do well or very well!
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
2. I am a BAD OR WORTHLESS PERSON when I act weakly or stupidly.
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
3. I MUST be approved of or accepted by people I find important.
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
4. People MUST treat me fairly and give me what I NEED.
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
5. People MUST live up to my expectations or it is TERRIBLE!
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
Like replacing bad habits with good ones, your irrational thoughts must be replaced with more rational ones. For each of the 12 obvious irrational ideas listed here, what follows is a more reasonable way to look at the situation:
(Note: You may have to refer BACK to the 12 Irrational Beliefs in order for each of the below to make sense.)
It is not possible for everyone to love and approve of us; indeed, we can not be assured that any one particular person will continue to like us. What one person likes another hates. When we try too hard to please everyone, we lose our identity, we are not self-directed, secure or interesting. It is better to cultivate our own values, social skills, and compatible friendships, rather than worry about pleasing everyone.
No one can be perfect. We all have weaknesses and faults. Perfectionism creates anxiety and guarantees failure. Perfectionistic needs may motivate us but they may take away the joy of living and alienate people if we demand they be perfect too. We (and others) can only expect us to do what we can (as of this time) and learn in the process.
No matter how evil the act, there are reasons for it. If w
1. It is not possible for everyone to love and approve of us; indeed, we can not be assured that any one particular person will continue to like us. What one person likes another hates. When we try too hard to please everyone, we lose our identity, we are not self-directed, secure or interesting. It is better to cultivate our own values, social skills, and compatible friendships, rather than worry about pleasing everyone.
2. No one can be perfect. We all have weaknesses and faults. Perfectionism creates anxiety and guarantees failure. Perfectionistic needs may motivate us but they may take away the joy of living and alienate people if we demand they be perfect too. We (and others) can only expect us to do what we can (as of this time) and learn in the process.
3. No matter how evil the act, there are reasons for it. If we put ourselves in the other person's situation and mental condition, we would see it from his/her point of view and understand. Even if the person were emotionally disturbed, it would be "understandable" (i.e. "lawful" from a deterministic point of view). Being tolerant of past behavior does not mean we will refuse to help the person change who has done wrong. Likewise, our own mean behavior should be understood by ourselves and others. When people feel mistreated, they can discuss the wrong done to them and decide how to make it right. That would be better than blaming each other and becoming madder and madder so both become losers.
4. The universe was not created for our pleasure. Children are commonly told, "You can't have everything you want." Many adults continue to have that "I want it all my way" attitude. The idea is silly, no matter who has it. There is nothing wrong, however, with saying, "I don't like the way that situation worked out. I'm going to do something to change it." If changes aren't possible, accept it and forget it. An ancient idea is to accept whatever is.
5. As Epictetus said, it is not external events but our views, our self-talk, our beliefs about those events that upset us. So, challenge your irrational ideas. You may be able to change external events in the future and you certainly can change your thinking. Remember no one can make you feel anyway; you are responsible for your own feelings.
6. There is a great difference between dreadful ruminations about what awful things might happen and thinking how to prevent, minimize, or cope with real potential problems. The former is useless, depressing, exhausting, and may even be self-fulfilling. The latter is wise and reassuring. Keep in mind that many of our fears never come true. Desirable outcomes are due to the laws of behavior, not due to our useless "worry." Unwanted outcomes are also lawful, and not because we didn't "worry."
7. As with procrastination avoidance of unpleasant tasks and denial of problems or responsibilities frequently yields immediate relief but, later on, results in serious problems. The lifestyle that makes us most proud is not having an easy life but facing and solving tough problems.
8. People are dependent on others, e.g. for food, work, etc., but no one needs to be dependent on one specific person. In fact, it is foolish to become so dependent that the loss of one special person would leave you helpless and devastated.
9. You can't change the past but you can learn from it and change yourself (and maybe even the circumstances). You can teach an old dog new tricks. Self-help is for everyone every moment.
10. It is nice to be concerned, sympathetic, and helpful. It is not helpful and may be harmful to become overly distraught and highly worried about other people's problems. They are responsible, if they are able adults, for their feelings, for their wrong-doing, and for finding their own solutions. Often there is little you can do but be empathic. Avoid insisting on rescuing people who haven't asked you for help.
11. This helpless, hopeless "I-can't-change" attitude is cnot in keeping with modern-day self-help and therapeutic methods. There are many ways to change unwanted feelings. On the other hand, there is merit in "being able to flow with your feelings" in certain circumstances. Being unable to feel or express certain emotions is a serious handicap but correctable. Being dominated by one's emotions--a slave to your emotions--is also a serious but correctable problem. As long as our emotions are sometimes destructive and irrational, it is crazy to unthinkingly "follow our feelings."
12. Wrong! There is no one perfect solution but there may be several good alternatives. Try one, see what happens (observe the laws at work), and try again if your first idea doesn't work. Perfectionism causes problems, including taking too much time, becoming too complicated, causing undue anxiety, and lowering our self-esteem.
The source for this article can be found here:
http://www.stressgroup.com/abcscrashcourse.html
Peace,
C
__________________